The Slightest Pang of Regret

He used to be this tall, rather cute, skinny kid. He was, in many ways, an ideal guy. Smart, talented, funny. But I didn't fall for him. And I broke his heart.

Five years later.

Five years can do a lot. And suddenly, he's this new person. The same, in many ways. But more mature. More grown-up. And well, yeah. Cuter. But the real difference go way beyond the external.

And suddenly, I'm looking at him with new eyes.

Still, it was awkward. But then I've always been an awkward person. I could never really look at him at the eye. Never really bring myself to talk to him with ease. Between us is the past. The hurt is, I believe, forgiven and forgotten. But that certain wall still exists.

But maybe it's just me.

I felt the slightest pang of regret. And what-could-have-beens played in my head.

But as I look back now, with a clearer perspective, I realize that if I could go back, my decision would be the same. He'd still be the boy he was and I'd still be the girl I was.

But maybe, if I could go back, I'd be less thoughtless... inflict less hurt...

Fun with Old Friends

I was stepping off the "pot-pot" (note: a mode of transportation common in my hometown) when two motorcycles screeched to a halt behind me.

Old friends.

In no time at all, I was "kidnapped" (with consent) and found myself in a small, beautiful seaside resort.

There were around ten of us, more or less. We were all high school friends. Some of us go a long way back... as far as kindergarten.

We splashed around, laughed a lot, updated each other with our lives (and the lives of other people as well), ate junk food, and reminisced the good times.

The truth is, I'm mildly surprised. Surprised that I had fun. Because these people were not the people I hang out with back in high school.

These people were the fun lovers. The party people. I, on the other hand, was a more serious person. The stay-at-home type (because my parents are strict and do not allow me to go out after dark). And the people I used to hang around with were more or less of the same feather.

So although these were my friends, they were not "my crowd." And though I'm friendly and moderately sociable, I usually feel awkward and uncomfortable around other people.

I didn't feel that way this afternoon. I had a blast.

My world is expanding.

So in the end, I didn't come to my high school-get-together. Someday, when I'm old and alone and friendless and my high school classmates no longer even invite me to any reunions, I think I'll regret being such an anti-social human being.

But then again, I moved in a really small circle back in high school and I don't think those few people I am closest and comfortable with were going to come. So I ditched.

I had an acceptable reason, too. I told them I was coming if Jo was going to come. However, since Jo slept the whole day away (I called her place many times and got the same report) and I'm not the kind of person who goes to high school beach outings alone, I chose to stay in my room, leafing through my anatomy book and trying to study.

I didn't do much studying since I spent 70% of the time doing totally useless stuff like staring at space and finishing a novel I started. So in the end, I think I wasted my day. But I'm not regretting it. As I said... I'll do my regretting someday.

Old Friends

Ours was a friendship tested by time and strengthened by our mutual love of novels and japanese anime. Jo is already a registered nurse taking up masterals (and is planning to take up law afterwards), Al has a degree in Psychology and Anne just finished the nursing boards and is still waiting for the results. The last one (me), is a medical student.

But even with extra letters after our names, we were still practically the same young girls who roamed the streets early in the morning in our bicycles and dreamed up stories and our futures as we waited for the sun to rise.

A stranger hearing us talk would have thought we were still in high school. We still griped about our lovelife (or rather, the lack of it) and got really excited talking about the latest japanese anime we were currently hooked on.

Our friendship started in grade school and blossomed in high school. We hardly saw each other when we got to college. But every year, on this particular day, we'd gather at Lexie's house for her birthday. On this particular day, we'd update each other on our love life, our current favorite anime, books we like, our plans in life, etc etc etc.

The thing is, I'm the kind of person who is not quite sociable. I usually avoid former friends and acquaintances I haven't met in a long while. I don't like groping around for something to talk about to fill awkward silences. I have former best friends I can no longer connect to. The long time apart somehow created a gap and somehow, I'd find that we were no longer on the same wavelength.

Not with these three. We could be apart for years with hardly any communication and we'd still be on the same frequency. I can just imagine the four of us, gray and wrinkled, still talking about Japanese anime.

Our day is done. We've parted ways again. But there are no goodbyes for us.