New Year's Eve Reflections

There's a few more hours left before 2009 hits. All in all, 2008 had been a pretty good year. I have few regrets. Things went generally well for me and somehow, by God's grace, I was able to achieve the goals I had set for myself around this time 365 days ago.

First of all, I graduated cum laude in our batch. After that, I took the Nursing Licensure Exam and bagged the Top 9 spot (along with 30 or so other people). Hmmm... I was actually aiming for the Top 1 spot but hey, I'm not complaining. And... I started my first year of medicine. Yey!

I've met new friends and found that graduation didn't keep my old ones away. Our teacher was right. College friends are forever.

My family situation went from bad to worse but we're still somehow glued together. But there's always grace for the moment and whatever may happen, especially in the near future... well... I know we'll survive somehow.

I became an athlete (track & field) for the very first time (for our Intramurals and Medlympics) and bagged a couple of silver and bronze medals. Not bad for a first timer, I must say. It was all for the jersey. I never owned a jersey before. I was really proud of myself. Not in a sinful way, of course. It's just that I seldom go out of my comfort zone and joining a sport competition, which has never been my area of expertise, is one step away.

As for lovelife, well... not much improvement in that area and my heart got a bit dented. Oh, well. Live, love and learn.

I'm hopeful for 2009. I believe great things will come my way and beautiful things will happen. I might even meet the love of my life.

There are dark clouds looming (long story) but as I said, I'm hopeful that things will turn out for the better. And if they don't, well then. I'll brave out the storm. Life is always beautiful.

I'm never really good at keeping New Year Resolutions. But it doesn't hurt to have any. So for 2009, I sincerely hope to be a better person. I'll be more gutsy. I refuse to remain a doormat and a wallflower. I'll take more risks. I'll laugh more, love more.

I'll take the extra steps and be extraordinary.

I'll be the best in my class. I'm not sure if this newfound resolution will be enough to salvage my grades. But maybe if I try my hardest, push myself against the limits, I just might retain my scholarship.

I'll be more passionate for the things I love. And I hope to be a better Christian. My relationship with Jesus is kind of shaky right now. Most of the times, I hardly hear Him... hardly know Him... But with His help, I know I'll get out of this spiritual rut.

My lovelife is something I can't do anything about. If he comes, he comes. If he doesn't, then I'll wait. I still believe in God's perfect timing. But really, he's taking too long. Still, I'm hopeful.

So that's it for now.

Happy New Year, everyone.

So in the end, I didn't come to my high school-get-together. Someday, when I'm old and alone and friendless and my high school classmates no longer even invite me to any reunions, I think I'll regret being such an anti-social human being.

But then again, I moved in a really small circle back in high school and I don't think those few people I am closest and comfortable with were going to come. So I ditched.

I had an acceptable reason, too. I told them I was coming if Jo was going to come. However, since Jo slept the whole day away (I called her place many times and got the same report) and I'm not the kind of person who goes to high school beach outings alone, I chose to stay in my room, leafing through my anatomy book and trying to study.

I didn't do much studying since I spent 70% of the time doing totally useless stuff like staring at space and finishing a novel I started. So in the end, I think I wasted my day. But I'm not regretting it. As I said... I'll do my regretting someday.

Old Classmates

I'm on my way to meet old classmates. At first, I tried of finding a way out of it. I am still half-finding a way out of it. I haven't decided yet if I'm going or not.

I think I've said before that I'm not a sociable person.

Old Friends

Ours was a friendship tested by time and strengthened by our mutual love of novels and japanese anime. Jo is already a registered nurse taking up masterals (and is planning to take up law afterwards), Al has a degree in Psychology and Anne just finished the nursing boards and is still waiting for the results. The last one (me), is a medical student.

But even with extra letters after our names, we were still practically the same young girls who roamed the streets early in the morning in our bicycles and dreamed up stories and our futures as we waited for the sun to rise.

A stranger hearing us talk would have thought we were still in high school. We still griped about our lovelife (or rather, the lack of it) and got really excited talking about the latest japanese anime we were currently hooked on.

Our friendship started in grade school and blossomed in high school. We hardly saw each other when we got to college. But every year, on this particular day, we'd gather at Lexie's house for her birthday. On this particular day, we'd update each other on our love life, our current favorite anime, books we like, our plans in life, etc etc etc.

The thing is, I'm the kind of person who is not quite sociable. I usually avoid former friends and acquaintances I haven't met in a long while. I don't like groping around for something to talk about to fill awkward silences. I have former best friends I can no longer connect to. The long time apart somehow created a gap and somehow, I'd find that we were no longer on the same wavelength.

Not with these three. We could be apart for years with hardly any communication and we'd still be on the same frequency. I can just imagine the four of us, gray and wrinkled, still talking about Japanese anime.

Our day is done. We've parted ways again. But there are no goodbyes for us.

Christmas Charity

A few hours back, a woman positioned herself in front of our gate, armed with an umbrella to protect her from the rain and carrying a battered white envelope which she kind of waved at me.

Well, I knew what she wanted of course. Money. Charity. It's only during these times (Christmas season), that people get away with this kind of thing.

I opened the envelope she handed to me. It said something like she was part of this organization or something and blah, blah, blah. I didn't actually read it. Just the heading of the letter which was that of a charity organization I have never head of. It looked kind of bogus to me, especially since the woman didn't look to me like the kind of person who was actually a member of any charity organization. Yeah, my cynical mind was working.

My good-goody mind was thinking it actually took a lot of courage to brave the bad weather and well, practically beg for money, especially since most people are not really quite charitable. And anyway, there's always the microscopic possibility that she really did come from a charity organization or something.

Hmmm... maybe next time I'll actually read the letters people hand us and well.. interrogate them or something.

Behind the Mask

I really wonder what people see when they look at me. Because honestly, there’s more to me than meets the eye.

Most of the time, I feel like a wallpaper… or just another face in the crowd. I’m one of those people who move unseen in the background of people’s lives. Totally forgettable. But maybe I’m just underestimating…

But the thing is, I’m one of those people who keeps things to themselves. (And well, yeah, write/blog about it and hope only totally complete strangers or nobody at all reads about it.)

My mind is pretty sharp behind the mask, though. But nothing shows, except a bland face. Well… most of the times, at least. The rest of the time though, the bland face actually hides a mind that has zoned out and is flying in the ozone.

I don’t think I’m the only one. People hind behind masks of their own making. We only show people what we want to show them.

So I’m showing the world a mildly conservative girl with a history of academic achievements, and is a goody-goody Christian. I’m actually really quite nice. But well, there are things about me that I only keep to myself.

Like, being slightly cynical. Or being easily annoyed. Or having mean comments popping out of my mind every once in a while. But I keep these to myself. So they still think I’m the nice girl who doesn’t have a bad thought in her head.

I think the problem is a really strong superego.

Maybe being educated in a Catholic school for about ten years, and then becoming part of a charismatic community has something to do with. I have this standard of myself… of a good Christian basically.

But I feel like I’m rebelling right now. I feel like rebelling against my standards. And at the same time, I feel bad about it because… well… I have strong sense of right and wrong.

See what I mean?

I am going through a crisis right now… Mostly spiritual, I guess. And emotional and psychological and well, yeah… intellectual.

Hmmm… I wonder how all these will end.