LOVE is...

LOVE IS…
February 14, 2009

Love is patient…

This afternoon, I walked in the rain.
I raised my face into the sky and enjoyed the moment.
Why do we hate getting wet so much?
Perhaps we’ve forgotten how it feels
to dance in the rain.

Love is kind…

But today is Valentine’s Day.
It should have been bright, and sunny and full of cheer.
And as the rain continue to fall,
I wonder if people found Love enough
to warm their hearts.

It is not jealous…

I often wondered what it was like
to love and be loved in that special way.
Everyone’s talking about it.
And I sit and listen and hear them talk,
Having no stories of my own to share.
And I often wonder why…

It is not pompous…

Why am I not loved?
in that special way?
Why am I left behind, wondering and waiting…
Doubt and envy gnaws my heart.
I am not beautiful enough
To capture the heart of any man.

It is not inflated…

So every Valentine’s day, I watch them
People in two’s… People in love…
I watch them buy roses and give chocolates
I watch them walk with hands entwined
And I ask…

It is not rude…

Where are you?
I listen for your footsteps…
For the sound of your voice…
For I believe that the moment I lay my eyes on you,
I’ll know.
Have I not been waiting all my life?
But the silence mocks me.

It does not seek its own interests…

And then I met the Lord.
And He made me new.
And I gave Him my heart.
It was not a difficult decision to make.
No man had laid a claim.
So I gave it to Him gladly, without second thoughts…
I was happy, content…

It is not quick-tempered…

And more Valentine’s Day came.
But my heart was safe…
Secure…
For I knew that all things will come
Even love
In its own time.

It does not brood over injury…

But as the days and months and years passed
My promise became a chain
A burden… A room that boxed me in…
And more than once I wanted to break free…

It does not rejoice over wrongdoing…

At times it was a mask…
An excuse for being “loveless” for so long…
I was trapped in a lie.
Choice no longer had anything to do with it.
I was alone because nobody came.

But rejoices with the truth…

Often it was a face that turned my head
And the faces since then had not been a few
And some would break my heart a little
And some would just fade away…
And still I remain the same.

It bears all things…

The rain has stopped falling now.
It is Valentine’s Day.
And my heart is at peace.
For though I faltered
Though my love failed
More times than I can count
His love did not.

Believes all things…

I remember why I gave Him my heart in the first place.
And I remember the joy
Of what it means to truly be in love
My heart longs for that Love again

Hopes all things…

My love for Him is but a flickering flame,
But the fact that it flickers still
Is a testament in itself
Of the Love that would not let go.

Endures all things…

I wait for those footsteps still…
I wait for the heartbeat whose rhythm matches mine
And I try to grow in grace
To be ready for the love that was meant for me
before the beginning of Time.
But human love may elude me
And maybe it will not come.
Still, this I hold true...

Love never fails.

I am loved.

Aerlinniel-Alassiel

My elvish name.

Happy Friday the 13th

It's Friday the 13th.

Outside, the rain is falling in torrents and dark clouds are blotting out whatever stars are left. The weather's perfect.

I happen to actually like Friday the 13th, not because I'm morbid, but because most people don't like it. So okay... I may be borderline morbid.

Tomorrow is Valentine's. And although today's Friday the 13th and although it's raining, my heart is still at peace. There will be no roses for me tomorrow... no chocolates, no poems... But no sadness pierces my heart. No bitterness poisons my soul. And no face haunts my dreams.

I believe it's a special grace for it takes grace to not long and wish for what others already have and to be content to wait patiently. So wait I shall. There will be many more Valentine's Day for me. And though maybe the next few Valentine's will be a repetition of tomorrow, my heart is secure.

A Shiny Moment

It's one of those out-of-the-blue moments... like a bright ray of sunlight on a cloudy day. And I'll keep the memory, although it means nothing to him and to me it is but a half-wish that I've long given up on.

He was the first who caught my eye, a long time ago it seems now. But I got through that unscathed and he blended right back into the background... a face in the crowd.

This afternoon, as I was flipping through the pages of a newspaper, he approached, asking teasingly how much I charged for tutorial sessions. He wanted to borrow the newspaper so I handed it to him. As he flipped through the pages, he caught sight of an ad about an OR in a prestigious hospital.

"That's you," he said, pointing to the female surgeon. "That's me," he added, pointing to the male surgeon beside her.

I looked at the picture and I felt that ray of sunshine. But it was not without a touch of sadness. That picture will be the only place we'd be together. And it wasn't even us.

It takes so little for me to stir up a dream. But I don't have my head in the clouds. And although at odd moments, I do wish his girlfriend would hurry up and become a beauty queen and leave him (note: she is a ravishing beauty), I know very well where I stand.

The dead embers, which sparked for the briefest of moments, died again.

And all is well.

Note to Self

He passed me by a couple of times today, and it's both with sadness and relief, that I realized that he no longer affects me that way. ("He" is another Biblical character in my series of one-sided romances.)

It gives me a new perspective into things, not just in the romance department but everything in general.

Everything shall come to pass, all in its due time. Heartaches will fade and wounds will heal. And new things will come that will bring the heart all the more happiness because of the pain endured. So no matter what darkness one endures, there's always the lingering hope of tomorrow.

There's never a need to despair, no matter how grim the circumstance.

Pre-Valentines Rambling

Three more days till Valentine's, the day of hearts and chocolates and roses. I'm very mildly surprised that I'm not griping about the fact that I haven't made much progress in the Romance Department since Kindergarten.

As I said, it doesn't bother me much. I'm glad.

I don't know how I'll feel in the next few days. Maybe that touch of melancholia will visit me again. Maybe I'll pine for that someone I've never met again. But for now, I'm content with the way things are.

I've given my heart in Jesus's keeping. I'm pretty sure He'll know what to do with it.

But being me, it can't be helped that more often than not, I'd rather have things my own way. So it can be rough sailing most of the time.

It so happens that Valentine's Day falls on a Saturday. And for the next few months, there'll always be one person I'll look forward to seeing again. My Shepherd Boy.

So really. I don't know how I'll feel this Valentine's.

Last Saturday was rather heart-rending and I don't know if this Saturday will be better. But I'm healing well, ever since I offered my heart in Jesus's keeping. And whatever it is that I felt for him... it's fading.

So I trust that all will end well.

Returning to my First Love

Yesterday, I went through the pangs of heartache. No matter how silly and inconsequential the reason, a heartache is still a heartache. There's no reasoning with how you feel, even if you don't rightly understand why.

I don't understand why. My head tells me I'm overreacting. I agree with my head, 90%. But that did not make the hole in my heart go.

Walking home, I hugged my chest. A futile effort to fill the emptiness I had been feeling.

But the best thing about heartaches... about feeling a hole in your heart... is that you're driven to your knees.

There's a hole in my heart. And not even a Shepherd Boy can fill it.

Everything I've been going through right now... the emptiness, the melancholy, the low self-esteem, the sense of unworthiness to be loved... all stems from my turning my back on the Lord.

I want to return to my first love. Human loves will be given to me and I am still hoping in my heart of hearts to meet my Heart's Desire soon. Really soon. But human loves will never be enough. And without my First Love, even human love will falter.

I was brought back to a message that brings me comfort.

"Find your delight in the LORD,

who will give you your Heart's Desire."
Psalm 37:4

My heart is glad. I'm rediscovering my First Love and finding delight in the love of my God.

And as I was going to sleep, I received a text message from a friend, a confirmation that God speaks to me still and that He knows what I'm going through right now.

This is the text message:

1st Corinthians 13:4-7

The right thing at the wrong time,

is always the wrong thing.

Don't be too impatient.

Learn to wait.

A Stolen Poem

Copied this from somebody. Speaks volumes.

Yet regardless if you love them,hate them,

wish they would die

or know that you would die without them

it matters not

Because once in your life,

whatever they were to the world

they become everything to you.

When you look them in the eyes,

traveling to the depths of their souls,

and you say a million things

without trace of a sound,

you know that your own life is inevitable

consumed within the rhythmic beatings of his very heart.

We love them for a million reasons,

no paper would do it justice.

It is a thing

not of the mind

but of the heart.

A feeling.

Only felt.

Musings on a Saturday Morning

I’m living in a fast lane. The whole week went by in a blur. Most of the time, the only thing I could think of was the next Saturday evening, which happens to be a few hours away as of the moment.

I know I’m thinking of him more than I ought. And I’m building castles in the air. At least I know for a fact that they are castles in the air and nothing more. Knowing that at least, is a bit of wisdom. Or maybe it makes me all the more a fool. But then again, the wise man and the fool are often the same person.

One day I’ll look back and smile at it all. Maybe I’ll laugh at my foolishness. Or maybe I’ll wince with the pain of remembering.

I wonder if I’ll ever break free of this certain pattern my life’s going through. It’s getting all too familiar. And a little sad and pathetic.

They say repeated experiences have but one aim... to teach a lesson. I wonder if I’ll ever learn.
Right now I’m wondering if he remembers my name. And I wonder what I’ll say if he doesn’t. Maybe I’ll just introduce myself for the third time and hope I don’t have to do it again.

He’s just a boy. Chronologically, I’m but a few, negligible years older. But in so many ways, I am decades older. But then again, I don’t really know.

He’s just a boy. That thought rings in my head at odd times throughout the day, like a discordant note in a beautiful symphony. It brings me back to the sobering reality.

Ah, but acting the fool is fun. It takes a certain kind of heroism to make oneself vulnerable. And the happiness of the fleeting moment might last a lifetime and make me smile when I’m old and gray.

Somebody once said, “If you don’t act foolish while you’re young, you’ll have nothing to smile about when you’re old.”

I wonder if it's really worth it.

Random Thoughts

I wonder why it is that people are afraid to show they care. Or maybe it's just me in particular.

In my case, I think it has something to do with my mother always telling me to keep my feelings to myself... to never show the object of my affection how I feel... Because if he knew and did not feel the same way, it would be embarrassing.

And she's right. Almost always. That's how I managed to keep much of my pride intact during the course of my luckless romantic life.

But then again... at moments like this... I wish I had enough courage, not to shout my feelings at the rooftop for all the world to hear (I'm not that stupid), but just enough to let him know that he has a place in my heart.

I'm Getting A Car!!

Yesterday, I needed to go to my friend's house for our Research. Normally, I don't think twice about going out at night. However, my father's here and although I could always just go without asking permission, I wasn't comfortable with the thought. It must have something to do with all those years spent always asking my parent's permission.

Of course my father didn't want me to go and I had to convince him I absolutely had to go. So in the end, he took me there and told me to text him later on so that he would be able to come and get me.

So okay. I'm almost 22. But things like that don't actually register in parental minds. To papa, I'm still a little girl.

But the good thing which came out of asking parental permission is that he has decided to buy me a car.

Yipee!!

He told me that he realized how dangerous it was for me to be going out at night. I suppose he finally realized that I really do need to go out at night every once in a while. I'm not a party girl but being a medical student, it can't be helped.

So I'll have to start learning how to drive this summer and I might get a car this June.

*happy sigh*

Be Careful With the Signs

Getting what happened a few hours ago out of my mind is a very difficult thing to do. I have successfully wiped the stupid smile off my face and now I’m trying not to hit my head in the wall for being so stupid and pathetic.

I wonder if I was transparent. It certainly feels that way.

If there’s one thing I learned from my last “foolishness”, it’s to pay attention to details and not to dramatize and put my own interpretation to the little things.

Truth is, after finding he was younger, I really did decide just to let him be. But he looked so alone in the corner. He didn’t have anybody to talk with. And being a foreigner, I believe it might be extra hard for him. I didn’t want him to feel lonesome or out-of-place or anything.

So I tried chatting with him for a bit.

And here’s one important thing. He forgot my name. And I wonder if he’ll remember it by next week. So much for impressions. One thing for sure, I didn’t stick in his mind that much at all.

My facilitator was in the other end of the hall and I didn’t want her to get ideas. So I excused myself and went to her. She asked me about the boy. And I replied about him being a volunteer.
I saw Jess, the little girl I befriended (who teased me about him), go over. They talked a little and I certainly hope she didn’t say something incriminating. You can’t trust little girls to be discrete.

As I said, I stayed away. And felt guilty about it because he still looked alone and I was his only sort-of-friend there. I tried my very best to completely ignore him. Not that I succeeded. And I certainly don’t think it bothered him the least.

But at the end, when I was going home, I really wonder what he was thinking about. I wonder what his impression of me was. I think my walking too slowly and checking my phone and turning around and greeting him was too TRANSPARENT. Geez. I’m not a pro at these things.

Uggh! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

But he did catch awfully fast. But it’s just me making a big deal out of nothing.

And I remember that it was only me doing most of the asking. He did ask me where I lived. But that’s out of politeness, I’m sure.

The silence was pretty uncomfortable. That’s why I talked a lot.

Most of the time, when I looked up, it was his profile that I saw. Meaning, he didn’t really look at me that much when he was talking. But then again, most of the time, I wasn’t looking at him. So call it quits.

I really do want to bang my head on the wall. I feel… foolish. Like a high school girl.

Argh!!! I don’t know what to do next week. Will I talk to him? Will I ignore him to make up for talking with him this week?

What unnecessary bother this whole business is.