I'm Giddy Happy. I'm Pathetic.

So I saw Shepherd Boy again. And he's exactly that. A boy. And I knew this because I checked the registration sheet and discovered the year he was born in.

For the record, any member of the male species born anytime after I was born is still a boy. And I'm two years and five months older than he is.

I'm pathetic. I'm also giddy happy and it takes self-control to keep from breaking into a big, goofy smile. Yeah. I'm pathetic.

He was by himself when I saw him. He looked... well... alone. His friend wasn't around. I inwardly debated if I would go and approach him or just let him be. In the end, I did. Just for a while. I greeted him, asked if his friend was around, how the orphanage was... small stuff. Oh, and yeah. He forgot my name so I told him again.

Then I ungracefully made my exit to go to my facilitator who was at the other end of the hall.

But before that, I learned he's a Catholic.

I didn't stay with him during worship because if I did, I would have had a very, very hard time concentrating on things that mattered. I might as well have saved myself the effort because I still thought of him a lot. Darn it. I was aware... too aware... of his presence just behind me.

I had to meet my father for dinner so I went home right after. And well... I did seriously inwardly debated if I would go walk with him.

I went to the exit but he checked out one of the booth first. So to buy him a little time, I answered my father's call and walked very, very, very slowly. When he was about two meters away, I turned, said hi and walked with him.

We talked a bit. If he missed his parents. If he went to Sinulog. If he's coming to Summer camp. Small things.

I told him about me taking up medicine and he says he might study either Medicine or Physics when he gets back to Europe.

Okay. Just my luck. I meet an absolutely gorgeous young man who comes from an interesting part of the world, who's Catholic, who's volunteering in an orphanage, who plays the piano, plays soccer and might go into medicine. Oh, and he's a few years younger.

He's like... my dream guy in the flesh. Almost.

You don't meet a guy like that everyday. At least I don't.

But then again, even without the age thing, he will never be for me. Because:

1. I have a commitment.

2. He's a foreigner.

3. He'll go home in a few months.

4. He might have a girlfriend!!!

5. He's too gorgeous!!! And I'm me... plain, simple, uninteresting.

So... even without the age thing (my mother, by the way, is two years older than my father), there's no reason a guy like that would ever, ever fall for a girl like me.

Shepherd Boy

For anonymity's sake, let's call him Shepherd Boy. (*hint, hint*)

I might be seeing him tonight and I'm not exactly sure if I'll have the courage to go and say hi... and sit beside him later on. I tried to play it out in my head: the different possible scenarios, what I'm going to say, what he might say, what I might answer in reply. (Yeah, I'm crazy. And I self-talk a lot.)

But in all probability, I would just "hide". I'm that kind of person. I am painfully shy.

One of my BFFs mentioned to me that it had been a long time since she had been "foolishly giddy". My last time was around two weeks ago, when I first met Shepherd Boy. But before that, it was a long, long time.

So I hope I do get to talk with him again, even at the risk of him thinking that I like him. Which is somewhat true, if truth be told.

But what the heck! He'll be going home in a few months time, anyway.

Stardust

The block practical exam got me so depressed that I knew I needed serious cheering-up. One of my dearest friend gladly let herself be dragged along. We went to the mall, ate fries and coke float and then checked-out the latest (well... it was latest for me anyway) bookstore in town.

Heaven!

I have found a "Happy Place".

There's nothing like roaming through rows and rows of books to lift a disheartened spirit. It was such a joy! I could spend hours reading the back cover and choosing books I would have wanted to buy if I had money to spare.

I knew I couldn't leave without buying something. And so for the very first time, I bought myself a novel. At first, I thought about buying Madeleine L'engle's "A Swiftly Tilting Planet" because that was the only book in the series I haven't read yet. But then I stumbled upon "Stardust".

There was a movie adaptation of the book but I wasn't able to watch it. The book was perfect! I loved it. It had just the right elements: romance, humor and magic. It was the perfect fairy tale for me.

Needless to say, I've always been the whimsical kind and even at this age, I still love fairy tales.

I savored every word and didn't stop reading until the last page. Every cent I paid was worth it. My bout of melancholy was lifted up.

And maybe it's not related to Stardust, but strangely enough, I haven't had bouts of melancholia lately. I'm still searching for my Heart's Desire. But there's no longer that touch of despair that was getting quite familiar. My life's taking on a monotonous turn but I'm hopeful still.

PS. Changed my template again. Love the Falling Stars. Would have wanted a more cheerful background though.

The Joke's On Me

Okay. This is still along the guy-in-green-after-the-50th-red-volkswagen. Another category would be finding-my-soulmate.

I would have settled with David. I mean, since the whole thing is basically a whimsical nonsense, I might as well settle on the guy-of-my-dreams type. David fits the role almost to perfection although the only thing I know about him is that he teaches piano and soccer to orphans.

But then, it wasn't a sure thing because his t-shirt was a murky greenish-brownish color and I can't quite tell who talked to who first. But I have set my heart on him being my soulmate. However...

I breezed into the the classroom for our lecture and settled myself in my usual seat near the front. The doctor who was going to do the lecture asked me if we were section A and I replied in the affirmative. Twenty minutes into his discussion, it suddenly struck me with blinding clarity that he was wearing a GREEN polo shirt... an undeniably GREEN polo shirt. And yeah, he talked to me first.

I was horrified. And at the same time, the irony of it didn't escape me.

How could I have not noticed??? But the thing is, I really didn't. The fact that he was in green, for some reason, did not register in my head. Was I too confident in having found David?

After going to great lengths in avoiding every single green-shirted guy, this is what happens. The joke's on me.

Okay. So the fact that the guy is a cardiothoracic surgeon didn't escape my notice, especially since that's the field I want to go into. It also didn't escape my notice that he wasn't wearing a wedding ring and that he was in his thirties.

But... he wasn't my dream guy. Didn't even come close. Besides, he could have been married and had kids for all I know.

My friend and I laughed our heads off afterwards. The whole thing was rather comical.

So that's it. But I'm still stubbornly sticking to wishful hopes of half-European kids with curly brown hair.

Soulmate Found??

I know. I know. I know.

I know it's just an urban legend... a myth for romantic fools. I know it's not real. I know. Boy, do I know it.

But... can I just make believe it's real? Can I just pretend... even for just a little while... that it's true?

My soulmate. The guy in green. I think I found him.

His name is David. He's German and he's volunteering in an orphanage for a year. He plays soccer. He plays the piano. Oh, and yeah. He's incredibly handsome. And that's just about it. That's all I know. I didn't get to know him very well because time was short.

That's it. That's all.

For that little while, I was strangely happy and very much distracted. I haven't felt like that for a long while. And it's a nice feeling. So whatever may happen, at least I had that.

Dare I wish for more? Not really. Only that somehow, we'd at the very least be friends.

Bad Weather

There’s something about cold weather that brings about melancholia. I’m glad I live in the tropics. I might end up suicidal if I had to go through winter seasons. Just kidding.

It’s actually a number of things that’s bringing about this sense of despondency right now. But I’d rather blame the weather. It makes things less complicated.

The wind is no longer as freezing as it was the past few days. Which is a shame because, after two days of enduring the cold, I finally brought a bright pink jacket to keep me warm… only to find that it’s no longer that necessary. Oh, well.

Trial

The court trial was yesterday. I will not elaborate. It's an ugly story. But the thing is, that particular trial has life-altering consequences for me. And I'm not even being dramatic.

When I say life-altering, I mean life-altering. I mean I might have to stop studying and support my younger sister through her last year of nursing. I mean my family could be ruined and our name shamed. I mean my father could be imprisoned.

But I don't think the possibilities have hit me yet because I'm looking at it with a strange detachment. And I'm still hopeful nothing would change at all.