Be Careful With the Signs

Getting what happened a few hours ago out of my mind is a very difficult thing to do. I have successfully wiped the stupid smile off my face and now I’m trying not to hit my head in the wall for being so stupid and pathetic.

I wonder if I was transparent. It certainly feels that way.

If there’s one thing I learned from my last “foolishness”, it’s to pay attention to details and not to dramatize and put my own interpretation to the little things.

Truth is, after finding he was younger, I really did decide just to let him be. But he looked so alone in the corner. He didn’t have anybody to talk with. And being a foreigner, I believe it might be extra hard for him. I didn’t want him to feel lonesome or out-of-place or anything.

So I tried chatting with him for a bit.

And here’s one important thing. He forgot my name. And I wonder if he’ll remember it by next week. So much for impressions. One thing for sure, I didn’t stick in his mind that much at all.

My facilitator was in the other end of the hall and I didn’t want her to get ideas. So I excused myself and went to her. She asked me about the boy. And I replied about him being a volunteer.
I saw Jess, the little girl I befriended (who teased me about him), go over. They talked a little and I certainly hope she didn’t say something incriminating. You can’t trust little girls to be discrete.

As I said, I stayed away. And felt guilty about it because he still looked alone and I was his only sort-of-friend there. I tried my very best to completely ignore him. Not that I succeeded. And I certainly don’t think it bothered him the least.

But at the end, when I was going home, I really wonder what he was thinking about. I wonder what his impression of me was. I think my walking too slowly and checking my phone and turning around and greeting him was too TRANSPARENT. Geez. I’m not a pro at these things.

Uggh! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

But he did catch awfully fast. But it’s just me making a big deal out of nothing.

And I remember that it was only me doing most of the asking. He did ask me where I lived. But that’s out of politeness, I’m sure.

The silence was pretty uncomfortable. That’s why I talked a lot.

Most of the time, when I looked up, it was his profile that I saw. Meaning, he didn’t really look at me that much when he was talking. But then again, most of the time, I wasn’t looking at him. So call it quits.

I really do want to bang my head on the wall. I feel… foolish. Like a high school girl.

Argh!!! I don’t know what to do next week. Will I talk to him? Will I ignore him to make up for talking with him this week?

What unnecessary bother this whole business is.

I'm Giddy Happy. I'm Pathetic.

So I saw Shepherd Boy again. And he's exactly that. A boy. And I knew this because I checked the registration sheet and discovered the year he was born in.

For the record, any member of the male species born anytime after I was born is still a boy. And I'm two years and five months older than he is.

I'm pathetic. I'm also giddy happy and it takes self-control to keep from breaking into a big, goofy smile. Yeah. I'm pathetic.

He was by himself when I saw him. He looked... well... alone. His friend wasn't around. I inwardly debated if I would go and approach him or just let him be. In the end, I did. Just for a while. I greeted him, asked if his friend was around, how the orphanage was... small stuff. Oh, and yeah. He forgot my name so I told him again.

Then I ungracefully made my exit to go to my facilitator who was at the other end of the hall.

But before that, I learned he's a Catholic.

I didn't stay with him during worship because if I did, I would have had a very, very hard time concentrating on things that mattered. I might as well have saved myself the effort because I still thought of him a lot. Darn it. I was aware... too aware... of his presence just behind me.

I had to meet my father for dinner so I went home right after. And well... I did seriously inwardly debated if I would go walk with him.

I went to the exit but he checked out one of the booth first. So to buy him a little time, I answered my father's call and walked very, very, very slowly. When he was about two meters away, I turned, said hi and walked with him.

We talked a bit. If he missed his parents. If he went to Sinulog. If he's coming to Summer camp. Small things.

I told him about me taking up medicine and he says he might study either Medicine or Physics when he gets back to Europe.

Okay. Just my luck. I meet an absolutely gorgeous young man who comes from an interesting part of the world, who's Catholic, who's volunteering in an orphanage, who plays the piano, plays soccer and might go into medicine. Oh, and he's a few years younger.

He's like... my dream guy in the flesh. Almost.

You don't meet a guy like that everyday. At least I don't.

But then again, even without the age thing, he will never be for me. Because:

1. I have a commitment.

2. He's a foreigner.

3. He'll go home in a few months.

4. He might have a girlfriend!!!

5. He's too gorgeous!!! And I'm me... plain, simple, uninteresting.

So... even without the age thing (my mother, by the way, is two years older than my father), there's no reason a guy like that would ever, ever fall for a girl like me.

Shepherd Boy

For anonymity's sake, let's call him Shepherd Boy. (*hint, hint*)

I might be seeing him tonight and I'm not exactly sure if I'll have the courage to go and say hi... and sit beside him later on. I tried to play it out in my head: the different possible scenarios, what I'm going to say, what he might say, what I might answer in reply. (Yeah, I'm crazy. And I self-talk a lot.)

But in all probability, I would just "hide". I'm that kind of person. I am painfully shy.

One of my BFFs mentioned to me that it had been a long time since she had been "foolishly giddy". My last time was around two weeks ago, when I first met Shepherd Boy. But before that, it was a long, long time.

So I hope I do get to talk with him again, even at the risk of him thinking that I like him. Which is somewhat true, if truth be told.

But what the heck! He'll be going home in a few months time, anyway.