Behind the Mask

I really wonder what people see when they look at me. Because honestly, there’s more to me than meets the eye.

Most of the time, I feel like a wallpaper… or just another face in the crowd. I’m one of those people who move unseen in the background of people’s lives. Totally forgettable. But maybe I’m just underestimating…

But the thing is, I’m one of those people who keeps things to themselves. (And well, yeah, write/blog about it and hope only totally complete strangers or nobody at all reads about it.)

My mind is pretty sharp behind the mask, though. But nothing shows, except a bland face. Well… most of the times, at least. The rest of the time though, the bland face actually hides a mind that has zoned out and is flying in the ozone.

I don’t think I’m the only one. People hind behind masks of their own making. We only show people what we want to show them.

So I’m showing the world a mildly conservative girl with a history of academic achievements, and is a goody-goody Christian. I’m actually really quite nice. But well, there are things about me that I only keep to myself.

Like, being slightly cynical. Or being easily annoyed. Or having mean comments popping out of my mind every once in a while. But I keep these to myself. So they still think I’m the nice girl who doesn’t have a bad thought in her head.

I think the problem is a really strong superego.

Maybe being educated in a Catholic school for about ten years, and then becoming part of a charismatic community has something to do with. I have this standard of myself… of a good Christian basically.

But I feel like I’m rebelling right now. I feel like rebelling against my standards. And at the same time, I feel bad about it because… well… I have strong sense of right and wrong.

See what I mean?

I am going through a crisis right now… Mostly spiritual, I guess. And emotional and psychological and well, yeah… intellectual.

Hmmm… I wonder how all these will end.