Rambling

Just speaking my mind.

I can't seem to write in the afternoons. Not in this heat. Not without taking a bath. Not in this semi-silence, punctuated by birds chirping and the occassional motorcycle's brooom and the sound of my little neighbors playing.

I'm rambling.

I've finished 133 chapters of Fairy Tail. And now, I have to wait. Wait for the next chapter. I'm one of those people who dislike waiting, I realize. I usually want things when I want them. I have little self-discipline. It all boils to that.

But wait I shall.

Every morning, I wake up and the first thing on my mind is that I have got to start reviewing my anatomy lesson. Reviewing isn't even the term. My tuition seems such a waste, considering the fact that I seem to have learned so little in the first year of med school.

Study. That's what's always uppermost in my mind. I really must be a nerd. There's no escaping the truth.

But I'm a lazy nerd. I'm a fan of procrastination. And the days go marching by, slowly it seems, lazily almost... but then I'll get the shock of knowing the time is up.

My time is almost up.

Yeah. I'm not making too much sense right now.

:)

Random Ramblings

It's almost seven. I spent the whole day basically doing nothing, and now... I'm wasting whatever time I have left by doing... nothing.

I need to clear the cobwebs in my head again. It may help me to finally start cramming for tomorrow's exam.

So here are the threads of thought flying in and out of my head.

1. I had a fight with my sister. Again. But the difference this time is that I wasn't able to keep my temper. I raised my voice and called her an "ingrata". So now we're not talking to each other. She started it.

2. Usually, when angry, I keep my mouth shut and simmer... or boil... inside. I don't like to simmer. I don't like being always so nice. So this time, I shouted. And I don't feel too good about myself but at least I wasn't simmering. But knowing the usual pattern of our tiffs, I bet we'll be talking to each other in two hours time.

3. I actually googled the Adonis from Mount Olympus, a guy I'm calling Edward for anonymity's sake. Shame on me.

4. A guy in green was in front of our pew at mass this afternoon. Well actually, his shirt wasn't really that green. It was a striped yellow and bluish-greyish-green. But I wasn't taking any chances. So right after the singing of the "Our Father", I ungracefully made my exit and waited until after the peace-be-with-you part ended. I really am getting paranoid or something.

5. And my back is starting to ache so I guess it's about time to hit the books. During the last module quiz, I was almost sure I was going to get it perfect. Well... I barely passed. Needless to say, I was immensely frustrated.

6. Jake wore grey last Saturday. I was fervently hoping he'd wear green. So I guess I'll wait for next Saturday and every Saturday thereafter until he wears green and talks to me. Till then, I have to avoid every green-shirted guy... unless he happens to look like Edward. But I'm still waiting for Jake. He gave me an extra big wave. Not that it means something. But something is better than nothing. Hmmm... I wonder if he'll ever realize that it's me he's looking for. Probably not and I'd probably grow tired of him in a few weeks time. But till then, I can always wish.

7. I look like a maid beside Edward. Oh, geez.

8. I want a Red Beetle. I really want a car. And I don't even know how to drive. I wonder if I can get father to buy me a car. But with our current state of affairs, I don't think so. Besides, med school is super expensive and draining our financial resources already. But who knows?

9. I really want a Red Beetle. *sigh*

Behind the Mask

I really wonder what people see when they look at me. Because honestly, there’s more to me than meets the eye.

Most of the time, I feel like a wallpaper… or just another face in the crowd. I’m one of those people who move unseen in the background of people’s lives. Totally forgettable. But maybe I’m just underestimating…

But the thing is, I’m one of those people who keeps things to themselves. (And well, yeah, write/blog about it and hope only totally complete strangers or nobody at all reads about it.)

My mind is pretty sharp behind the mask, though. But nothing shows, except a bland face. Well… most of the times, at least. The rest of the time though, the bland face actually hides a mind that has zoned out and is flying in the ozone.

I don’t think I’m the only one. People hind behind masks of their own making. We only show people what we want to show them.

So I’m showing the world a mildly conservative girl with a history of academic achievements, and is a goody-goody Christian. I’m actually really quite nice. But well, there are things about me that I only keep to myself.

Like, being slightly cynical. Or being easily annoyed. Or having mean comments popping out of my mind every once in a while. But I keep these to myself. So they still think I’m the nice girl who doesn’t have a bad thought in her head.

I think the problem is a really strong superego.

Maybe being educated in a Catholic school for about ten years, and then becoming part of a charismatic community has something to do with. I have this standard of myself… of a good Christian basically.

But I feel like I’m rebelling right now. I feel like rebelling against my standards. And at the same time, I feel bad about it because… well… I have strong sense of right and wrong.

See what I mean?

I am going through a crisis right now… Mostly spiritual, I guess. And emotional and psychological and well, yeah… intellectual.

Hmmm… I wonder how all these will end.