Be Careful With the Signs

Getting what happened a few hours ago out of my mind is a very difficult thing to do. I have successfully wiped the stupid smile off my face and now I’m trying not to hit my head in the wall for being so stupid and pathetic.

I wonder if I was transparent. It certainly feels that way.

If there’s one thing I learned from my last “foolishness”, it’s to pay attention to details and not to dramatize and put my own interpretation to the little things.

Truth is, after finding he was younger, I really did decide just to let him be. But he looked so alone in the corner. He didn’t have anybody to talk with. And being a foreigner, I believe it might be extra hard for him. I didn’t want him to feel lonesome or out-of-place or anything.

So I tried chatting with him for a bit.

And here’s one important thing. He forgot my name. And I wonder if he’ll remember it by next week. So much for impressions. One thing for sure, I didn’t stick in his mind that much at all.

My facilitator was in the other end of the hall and I didn’t want her to get ideas. So I excused myself and went to her. She asked me about the boy. And I replied about him being a volunteer.
I saw Jess, the little girl I befriended (who teased me about him), go over. They talked a little and I certainly hope she didn’t say something incriminating. You can’t trust little girls to be discrete.

As I said, I stayed away. And felt guilty about it because he still looked alone and I was his only sort-of-friend there. I tried my very best to completely ignore him. Not that I succeeded. And I certainly don’t think it bothered him the least.

But at the end, when I was going home, I really wonder what he was thinking about. I wonder what his impression of me was. I think my walking too slowly and checking my phone and turning around and greeting him was too TRANSPARENT. Geez. I’m not a pro at these things.

Uggh! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

But he did catch awfully fast. But it’s just me making a big deal out of nothing.

And I remember that it was only me doing most of the asking. He did ask me where I lived. But that’s out of politeness, I’m sure.

The silence was pretty uncomfortable. That’s why I talked a lot.

Most of the time, when I looked up, it was his profile that I saw. Meaning, he didn’t really look at me that much when he was talking. But then again, most of the time, I wasn’t looking at him. So call it quits.

I really do want to bang my head on the wall. I feel… foolish. Like a high school girl.

Argh!!! I don’t know what to do next week. Will I talk to him? Will I ignore him to make up for talking with him this week?

What unnecessary bother this whole business is.